Are you safe to be honest with?

Are you safe to be honest with?

This is a saying that has stuck in my head for many years. I heard it from an amazing professional speaker called Bruce Sullivan and it is something I try to put into practice as much as I can.

Being safe to be honest with is all about having complete trust in the person you are sharing information with. You know without a doubt in your mind that this person is not going to judge you, criticize you, get angry with you, blame you, yell at you or even walk away from you.

Honour your values

One of my highest values is honesty and when I struggle to be honest with someone it makes me really unhappy.

Recently I had a girlfriend who was going through an immensely challenging time with her daughter who had just turned 18. She found out that her daughter had been lying to her and she was devastated. When we discussed why this had happened it turned out that her daughter did not trust her enough to be honest with her.

She knew that if she told mum the truth she would try and stop her from going out, she would voice her disapproval, she would give her the third degree and sometimes fly off the handle.

At 18 her daughter was an adult and she could do nothing to stop her going out. What she could do however, was to change her behavior and shape the environment so that her daughter felt safe to be honest with her. To do this she needed to:

Tips for safe communication

• Stop the judgment calls
• Stop with the Spanish inquisition
• Accept that she may not like the information her daughter was telling her
• Stay calm and listen with an open mind
• Offer advice only if asked to do so

When you communicate with someone, especially on important issues, it is most effective when it is done with love and clarity. It’s impossible to do this when you are filled with judgment. Acceptance for what you are being told, no matter what, is crucial. When someone feels judged, they will either get defensive, shut down or spin you a whole lot of lies. When you let the person know you accept them, whether with words or energy you invite them to reveal themselves to you in a more vulnerable and honest way.

Word of warning

Just a word of warning though; the voice in your head will always be there judging and that’s ok. The key is not to act on it. Once you hit the play button you will be off and running and you will say things you can’t take back. This will erode any trust you have built up. Instead hit the pause button immediately and give yourself time to listen and respond using the dot points above.

Happiness abounds when important relationships are intact. They can only be intact when you are safe to be honest with.

Be happy, colour the world.

Claire